My older brother is being released on parole at the end of this month after serving 11 years and 3 months of a 15-year sentence. I’m 19 now, so I was very young when he went to prison and don’t have many memories of him. He’ll be living with our parents and me after his release, and to be honest, I’m feeling a bit anxious about it.
The fact that you’re even asking suggests that you genuinely give a damn and have the right mindset. Feeling anxious in a situation like this is perfectly natural. You seem like a good brother.
Don’t bombard him with questions about what prison life is like. He’s going to have enough to deal with; don’t make him recount tales of a terrible period of his life. On the other hand, let him talk if he wants to. Listen and be supportive.
Don’t sneak up on him. For example, if he’s watching TV in the living room and didn’t notice you walk in, clear your throat or something.
I imagine that privacy is a thing he will value highly. NEVER walk into his room without knocking and waiting for him to respond. None of that “knock while opening the door” bullshit.
Be patient, sensitive, and give him time to adjust. This will be a HUGE change for him - almost as big as adjusting to prison life. You’re going to have to do a difficult balancing act between helping him and not treating him like a baby. Nobody would get that right 100% of the time. Don’t judge yourself too harshly when the inevitable mistakes happen.
Consider showing him this thread.
I’m assuming American: Severe social anxiety, touch aversion, ptsd, strong desire for routine. Weight gain in the first few months.
Also a long time to adjust to how rude people are in public spaces compared to inside. Inside disrespect => violence.
My older brother did a few shorter stints over about 10 years but hasn’t been back for about 8 years or so. He still has a hard time dealing with crowds + parties but that may be his personality too.
He just needed personal space and time to adjust. It took him about the same amount of time as his sentences to get back to comparable normalcy. He has never been quite the same though. Much less outgoing. I miss the brother I had and I appreciate the one I have now.
I know others will mention some of the personal things, so I’ll instead focus on ways to help him try to reintegrate with everyday life and society socially.
You could start to try to help with some things he will interact with daily. The chances of him knowing about basically anything electronic you use now on a daily basis are slim. This is one of the biggest daily interactions that many former inmates have trouble with and betting up to speed on in modern society.
For some perspective, 11 years ago was 2014, and the launch of the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus. All the advancements since then will be new. LTE actually being widespread and usable, 5G even being a thing at all.
An offshoot of those are things like TikTok, YouTube Shorts, Instagram Reels, etc. which are massive social media hubs now, but didn’t exist then. Heck, Vine was technically still around for a couple years after he went in. Educating about changes to media consumption and social media use can help with integration back into society, and suggesting some recent things to catch up on can provide recent and relevant topics of conversation for daily life.
I mean no offense, but this is terrible advice. The man’s leaving prison after 11 years, learning the latest social media fads is nowhere near the top of the list of important things he’ll need help readjusting to.
Yeah. It’s easy to spot people for whom the internet is the focal point of their entire life.
You’re wrong, but I understand why you think that way. You’re almost surely focusing on the concrete aspects of life, not the things you just live everyday without thinking about, like just talking to people, small talk, filling awkward silences, etc. I’m not suggesting the #1 priority is to catch up on the Kardashians, but it’s about having something in common to talk about with people around them.
Their entire life has been prison for 11 years, they need something current to be able to talk to regular people about while going about their day. Otherwise they will feel like an outcast that knows nothing about current society and cannot relate to anyone on any level because they don’t know what the people are talking about or referencing. It’s literally the Captain America “I understood that reference” situation.
They’re going to be treated as an outcast by a lot of society simply because they have a record. Anything that helps them connect will help.
This entire topic is about the help that the younger sibling can help with. Current social trends are exactly what they can help with, easily, it’s what they already live daily. They’re an expert on that.
I’m with you. It’s like going to college after being homeschooled your whole life. Of course you need to know logistical things like how to submit homework, but those are easy answers to find. You also need to know how the other kids talk and what they’re talking about. It’s hard being out of the loop in regular conversations.
I don’t have insta or tik-tok, do I have to adjust to interact with the part of society that has them? Touch the fucking grass!
You must be one of those weirdos on Lemmy. Nobody has even heard of that place! /s
But still I don’t think of myself as of a “Lemmy person”, and I don’t think that there are any trends I need to keep up with, not even speaking of “helping” other people doing that. It’s a pastime, not a piece of life.
Eh, I still think it’s important that they at least explain what stuff is. Like it or not, TikTok has changed society, and it’s at least worth mentioning
Not trying to pick a fight here.
I’m genuinely curious how TikTok has changed society. I don’t use it, but then nor does my teenage daughter. I get that it is/was popular, and changed the way people consume some kinds of content, but I don’t see that it changed society in any fundamental way.
I also don’t use TikTok and I’m exactly the wrong age to know anything about teenagers/young adults, but it’s my understanding that its base outside of the US means that it isn’t (as) subject to American social-political pressure. Therefore people were exposed to more pro-Palestinian content through TikTok than instagram/facebook, youtube, or reddit, and TikTok’s relative popularity with gen z contributed to the popularity of BDS across college campuses in the US.
I don’t know if that’s been substantiated by much actual research though.
do I have to adjust to interact with the part of society
No, you are simply lost. Probably too old. Give it up and wait for the end…
/s
Open and authentic people have no problem making small talk and connecting with others, this has nothing at all to do with pop culture. Dude needs to reacclimate to freedom, a lack of structure, and engaging in relationships in an unfamiliar environment. Talking about fucking tiktok is more likely to make someone seem inauthentic and shallow
I think this makes a lot of sense - being disconnected means technology too, and the younger sibling can help with that, especially if the older sibling might feel they cannot ask for help with it - he can’t know what he can’t know.
I think this makes a lot of sense
Does it though? For me, bringing someone like OPs brother up to speed would be like “they deliver groceries now”, “this job website is good”, “you can file your taxes for free here”. “Check out this app where people post short videos of themselves dancing” wouldn’t even be in the top 100. That’s the advice you get from the terminally online.
Spending leisure time on social media isn’t only for the terminally online lol - we’re on a social media site right now. That’s an extremely narrowminded viewpoint. If civilian society means social media and connection, then that also applies to OP’s brother now - including being able to learn how to be social with people now, and I think we can all agree that interactions online don’t always mirror how they are in person, and understanding the culture online is important. There’s going to be a mix of exposure to people now, just like us, and needing to be versed in both is important.
Smartphones are ubiquitous now - and even if we look at only the “basics”, which seems to be all you think he needs, he’ll likely still need to be able to be contacted by his parole officer, the courts, possible therapist or groups he might join… and you don’t think that it would be helpful for someone to walk him through setup on zoom? That’s something WE are mostly used to now because of the pandemic and the whole shift to online appointments or options for things, even filling out applications has become a mostly online thing - which wasn’t the case in 2014.
Maybe TikTok or ig or whichever sites were referenced are only for the terminally online in your opinion, and maybe OP’s brother will agree with that thought - perhaps he would perfer other options, but at least he’d KNOW what the options are. Informed choice. I’m not a fan of tiktok either, tbh, but I don’t deny that the majority of the rest of the country DOES use it and reference it.
Maybe TikTok or ig or whichever sites were referenced are only for the terminally online in your opinion
Of course not. But if they’re your first recommendation to someone who’s just been released from prison, before the myriad of practical things they need to learn about, you may be terminally online.
Adding to this: TikTok, Shorts and Reels have complete new threat model that begun emerging in 2010’. There is highly likelihood that he will get addicted the first time he touches it.
Things that changed significantly in the last 10 years: AI slop - he will need to learn how to spot fake stuff.
Social Media Algorithms - how to train them to watch stuff you want to watch and not to fall into toxic rabbit hole
Taxis ware replaced by uber and other gig stuff.For some perspective, 2014 was 11 years ago
…dont do that ಠ_ಠ
For some perspective, 11 years ago was 2014
No way.
Edit: This was not meant in the “No shit Sherlock” way.
That’s a long sentence. He’s going to be rough. He’s also most likely going to be on parole for awhile so he’ll be under a strict set of guidelines which may affect the whole household.
On the other side, I guarantee he’s got some great stories. I know my best friend, who got locked up for a year, told me stuff that made me lmao.First thing first: it’s absolutely normal to feel anxious.
Maybe you could see him as you would see a stranger or, say, some remote uncle, come stay at home for a while? Don’t have expectations because you don’t know him? Like you said, you have little memories so take that as a starting point: your memories will be the ones you may start building together once he gets back home.
Let him come home and see how things unfold. Also, be ok with him being and feeling awkward too. And with having some… adjustments issues. It’s a huge change for him, too. Plus he may have more memories when he arrives, that coudl also hinder your first attempts at being together. I can’t imagine being in prison for so long won’t have left some deep marks on him, too so be ok with him screwing up a little.
If I may ask, haven’t your parents discussed him coming back with you already? If not, maybe it is something you may want to discuss with them openly?
Not knowing you or your parents and your brother, it’s hard to be more specific I’m afraid.
You could start with your oldest memories of him. That could help with building the new relationship.
But: no one of us knows what things he has learned there, during 11 years. But I am sure there are some bad things among it.
So I think it would be best to be careful at all times. Tell him that you hardly know him, but treat him like you don’t know him at all.
Edit: one more thing comes to my mind. I interpret from your posting (I may be wrong) that you did not visit him regularly. Then this is going to be an issue.
You shouldn’t avoid it. Think about it.
If you are going to apologize, do it soon, and try to be open about it (surely there were reasons, and there were circumstances). Maybe he would still hold a grudge from it for some more time. Then accept it, because it simply needs time.
