primscha

I’m procrastinating from assignments bc I feel mentally stretched thin. But idk, I reconnected with my bf after a long period of silence and automatically felt a lot of my stress fall away. (-◡-◍) But still, I gotta do my hw and my remaining internship hours for work before Sunday o.o

In the meantime I’m slowly job hunting, looking either for internships that transition into full time or just flat out full time. I graduate in the spring, but considering my circumstances I kinda need to look now lol. It’s just a pain because I’m prioritizing this job search and prep over classes, but the only reason I have these opportunities in the first place is because I’m in school… So it’s a weird balance lol. Definitely trying not to feed into straight A habits right now because they’re eating into my time for jobs. That sounds like a flex but it’s more an anxious habit.

Also did a HireVue interview for the first time? And idk how to feel about them. Also waiting for a referral from my friend to go through for a company before I apply. Am scared that I need to practice my skills more, organize more of my work… I probably do, but one step at a time.

Sleepy. I took steps to get in contact with my ol’ director of my program so she can help me with my portfolio. In the meantime, juggling a few jobs and classes isn’t fun. It’s not like the jobs are hard; the most intense one is probably my internship, with the other jobs being paid time to do homework.

The main issue is just the lack of time to actually decompress, rest, and socialize. Oftentimes I find myself really tired. Something I’ve noticed (for years now) is that I lack a lot of energy compared to my peers, and unfortunately caffeine makes me sleepy. So I can only rely on food, sleep, and exercise. Haven’t been doing great in any of those categories. I feel guilty eating. ._. Anyways. On the plus side, my apartment has free lattes and cocoa, which tastes nice. And the club room is surprisingly empty most of the time, so I’m comfy working in there.

Thank you

Will start my semester after this weekend. Not ready. But at the same time, it’s senior year, so… I’m happy it’s almost over. At midnight, I start my graveyard shift. On Monday, will be doing onboarding for two jobs.

Now I’m just trying to figure out what to do today… Maybe walk around campus and enjoy the quiet.

Ah, family— mainly my parents. Had a revelation that they’ve been financially abusive throughout my life and that’ll continue after college. I’m at the point though where I could list other traumatic happenings throughout life that this just feels like life slapping me in the face for “funsies.” They’ve been abusive/neglectful in many other ways so it feels… “normal,” at this point.

After a week of being back in my college town, I feel psychologically safer and I feel like I’m managing my short term issues while planning ahead more, so… I think I am in a better space. My concern in the far future is whether to even stay with them and save up money for a year— if the house doesn’t foreclose by then. Basically.

Feeling more sane now that I’m out of the environment causing me stress, but aware of the one year timeline I have before getting put into the same environment.

There’s a lot to do. Prob need therapy— no, I know I do lol. At least I know that friends are supportive and might be willing to help me stay out of the environment, even though I haven’t told them much because these issues are still something I’m processing. I just realize that if I shut people out of my life, as rough as it is right now, the end results of losing community and support is worse.

Just can’t let my depression thoughts get to me— it’s paralyzing. But like I said, being out of the environment has definitely improved my mental health, and I feel like I have a bit more control again over my life.

Fighting thru depression. I feel like I have every reason to be proud of myself and excited for the future, but life seems to whack me in the face with another shitload of problems (that aren’t necessarily in my control, but will heavily impact my lifestyle negatively if they go haywire). The things I want to control aren’t in my control, and that urge has been so insufferable and making me miserable.

Logically things that are within my control are going well for me, but I’m self sabotaging and then resenting myself for not doing more than I can right now lol. Like I’m stuck in my bed or spacing out: I don’t even know what makes me happy right now. Can’t think of play, only work.

For example, doing a design volunteer project. Technically got promoted to design manager. I’d rather not take the promotion when I feel like shit, but it’s also like, take the opportunity because resume for a soon to be grad will look nice. (Didn’t have much of a choice though because we’re halfway through the project, and need a design manager, so it would’ve happened either way…) But it’s like pulling my teeth just to get stuff done… And somehow I’m still one of the more active people on the project aghhhhhh—

But yay, on the resume, I guess. I’m just lacking a lot of motivation right now. Part of me feels spoiled for not feeling grateful for this opportunity, but I keep arguing with myself that my health matters.

Idk. I was supposed to have a psych appointment to get antidepressants, but there’s was a clerical error that pushed it out a month. Wonderful. I’m just trying to survive each hour as best I can. Rant over.

Dunno how much of this made sense, my brain feels so dumb right now.

I hope that, wherever anyone in is life right now, they’re holding on. Seems rough for most folks right now and… Frankly I suck at encouragement, but the one thing helping me hold on is knowing I’m not alone in this feeling, and that there are people out there who are supportive. Maybe it’s not obvious who’s out there, but I believe there are supportive people out there nonetheless.