I have been on and off dating apps for over 10 years. I witnessed what they did to them.
Enshittification to the maximum. Sites literally REMOVED useful functions and put others behind paywalls. You used to be able to set tags of interests and search by tags as well to find people into the same things as you, but that stops you from swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe… Swipe swipe is time spent on the app which increases the chance you start feeling desperate and pay them for the increased functionality of… Seeing who likes you… Other sites used to let you actually browse who was near you, not swipe, but have a list of people to look through. That’s not swipe swipe swipe pulling the dopamine lever so gotta give it the axe.
I mostly blame Match Group. Any dating site that actually worked well was bought by them and stripped down to be tinder 2.0 clones.
The more difficult it is to use the more likely they are to get you feeling desperate which is how they get you to pay up. No thanks.
It’s definitely fuck the Match Group all day every day.
okcupid was amazing back then, I wrote with so many interesting people and had unique and lengthy conversations. Another platform fucked up by capitalism and greed.
Honestly my biggest problem is:
- I don’t drink
- I don’t go to church / I’m not religious
- I work from home
- Video games and hiking are my two major “for fun” time expenditures
- I’ve seen too many women complain about dudes approaching them
- I hung out in a local coffee shop and met a couple of people, but no women (half the time if there were any there they seemed either much younger or much older … the other half of the time they’d show up and never come back so a cold approach was the only option)
… what the hell am I supposed to do other than use these apps society?
Join a hiking group/club, and don’t do it with the express intent of dating. I’m not saying don’t hope, but don’t because you enjoy the activity
I haven’t seen any good hiking groups in my area. The ones that exist on meetup.com are mostly “people with grey hairs” … and there’s nothing wrong with that other than I just turned 30 last month.
It’s been that way throughout my twenties.
I’d joined a “young professionals” group and was starting to meet some people that way but … it ended up dying out over the pandemic.
Well, I’m sure these grey haired people would be more than happy to hike with you and introduce you (more or less subtly) to the people they have in their life of your approximate age and gender-preference.
As they are older (and not just more stressed) they are still used to help people meet “organically”.
Yeah, that’s not terrible advice.
I think I’m just a bit … demoralized about that … since I do know a lot of older folks (I literally shoveled the driveways of 4 older neighbors this winter and have various 50+ friends) and no help has come from that direction…
I might give it a shot though, thanks
Is there an outfitter like REI in your city? They often have classes and clubs as well. You could also try something new. Maybe since you like video games, give board or tabletop games a try and go to a local game shop for a game night.
Meet people online via shared interests. I’m not one to tout Reddit, but really engaging in niche communities there gives you wide exposure specifically targeted. Don’t expect immediate results, but it is a valid method.
Yeah … I appreciate the effort but I don’t think that’s a real answer.
I don’t want to date half way across the country or world … or slide into other people’s DMs (which is something girls ALSO complain about dudes doing).
At that point if the answer is “someone’s going to be possibly uncomfortable anyways” I’m better off just doing the cold approach where I can at least read body language.
Not to mention there are a ton of elements of attraction that just don’t work on a forum.
But hourslong calls with a Scottish lass? Would you turn down the opportunity to have that in your ear?
Nope, then you get people complaining that “this is not a dating spot”.
I mean, tell that to my ex-fiancee where it took us a year to get engaged after meeting on Reddit. Then Covid hit and we couldn’t meet. We still talk, years later, but now we’re in “old friends” mode.
Hell even if you go to church, I’ve had a real bad time crushing on people from church. Can’t recommend it
One guy advises “collect micromarriages”, which are like micromorts but for relationships instead of death https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/theres-a-time-for-everyone
I don’t know shit about relationships
Here’s a mirror of the old, old OKCupid blogpost against paid dating apps, some dynamic bits didn’t get properly archived but the info is still there, giving a very strong argument that paid dating apps are by definition bad to find a partner. Then they got bought and the blogpost was deleted literally the next day.
And this is long, LONG before everything started enshittifying, and dating apps went all in on this. By now the odds are very much against you if you wanna find someone on those apps.
Is it because they’re enshittified af?
OkCupid.com (founded 2004) asked users a wide range of multiple-choice questions. It then went further by also asking them to specify the responses to those same questions they wanted to see from prospective partners.
I met both my ex-wives on OkCupid … in 2004. Of course, I had no idea I met my second wife before getting serious with the first.
I put scores of hours in answering match questions, and the whole experience was, dare I say, fun. Longform profiles with candid photos and the ability to see how answers differed so you could get the dealbreakers out of the way before wasting any time messaging.
Oh, and it was completely free.
I tried a few apps after getting separated in 2016, but the experience was truly a nightmare. I’m not a terrible-looking guy, but my looks are not what has ever drawn anyone to me, it’s how I comport myself. This is completely useless on these apps. It felt like high school popularity contests, which I was happy enough to escape the first time, except that to participate in any meaningful way, you have to pay.
I did find one use for them, and that was getting drunk with my girlfriend (who I met at work) and mocking profiles.
OkCupid.com (founded 2004) asked users a wide range of multiple-choice questions. It then went further by also asking them to specify the responses to those same questions they wanted to see from prospective partners
Yet another example of a feature dumbed down for seemingly no reason… In another comment I mentioned removing features, and this one mentioned here used to have a section for you to elaborate on your response… They removed it just a few years ago for god knows what reason, making that questions section worse…
“Do pets have souls: yes/no”
…well normally I’d say “no” and then elaborate with “because I don’t believe in souls, I don’t think anyone has a soul. We have personalities and I believe animals have them too.”
Now I just look like some heartless psycho “no, animals don’t have souls.”
They also took away the ability to specify your answer separately from the answer you were looking for from others, so now it’s just “did you say the same thing.” Which doesn’t make any sense for some questions, like “do you prefer a partner that is a) taller than you, b) shorter than you, c) doesn’t matter”, if you both picked A or B, you aren’t a match for this question!
The quality of questions fell off a cliff well before Match Group came in and really enshittified the whole affair. I soured on continuing to answer questions once the new ones were almost exclusively false dichotomies.
Humanity did fine for thousands of years without these dumb apps … I think we’d be fine without them
I mean we also did fine without electricity and antibiotics…
Depends on you definition of fine, I guess.
Is it bc I’ve been married for fifteen years?
People were in love with dating apps? /s
most of them are used for sex, and alot of them high unrealistic shallow expectation in thier partners to.
